As well as generally being me this year I’m going to start a few of campaigns to put a stop to the things that annoy me.
1. As it’s looking like I’ll be commuting to Dublin for another four years, campaign number one is for Quiet Carraiges on trains. Fellow commuters, your lives are not that fucking interesting that you have to share them with a hundred other people every morning. Whether you’re on the phone or talking at your friend, it’s gotta stop! You know who you are, Balbriggan girl, Skerries Goon and Nora Batty and her sister from Rush/Lusk.
2. Speed lanes for pedestrians. People who dawdle and saunter around town get on my tits. Caught up in their own little world with no heed for anyone else, you could be walking behind someone and they just stop dead right in front of you or they walk right across your path forcing you to implement your emercency stop and avoid plan that makes you look like some sort of demented clown. Folks, if I’m out and about walking, it means I have to BE somewhere, get out of my fuckin way! A speed lane with a minimum speed of 8Km/hr is the answer.
3. Motorists that don’t stop at pedestrian lights will be shot on the spot. What the fuck is it with you people? When your RED light and my GREEN light comes on, it means it’s my fuckin turn to use the road. The crossings at Stephen’s Green/Kildare St and Kildare St/Nassau St are atrocious for motorists ignoring the lights. I have already started crossing as soon as the lights change and any motorist that doesn’t see fit to stop comes away from the encounter with a dented side panel and roof. You’ve been warned!
4. Pedestrians that wander into traffic should be fair game. Usually some doped up skanger or guy in a suit will meander out into traffic and with a wave of his hand will expect you to stop and let him cross. In 2008 I’ll be campaigning for a points system, not a penalty points system, a points system where you get points for each wanderer you mow down. More points for the doped up skanger as they waste valuble resources. At the end of the year you cash your points in and get a discount off your roadtax or car insurance.
5. Umbrellas should be banned or at the very least, the people carrying them should be charged with assault with a deadly wapon. I’m just at the right height to lose an eye or get stitches in my neck. If it’s raining, wear a raincoat you stupid fucker. If I can’t get them banned, I’m going to walk around carrying a big stick with metal spikes protruding from it. See how you like it then!
That’s about it for now, this list maybe ammended at any stage. Happy fuckin New Year to youse all!
8 responses so far ↓
Grannymar // January 4, 2008 at 12:11 pm
You never mentioned the SUV Baby Carriages! They at least need a health warning or a Leper’s flag.
Rekki // January 4, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Im with you 100% on the umbrella issue i have had to start taking one with me for self-defence reasons not being as tall as you jack i only have to watch out for the old dears as they walk towards me i just tip the umbrella down to hit there one it works a treat…
Bald Devil // January 4, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Angry young man Jack. Just the sort of behaviour the Bald Devil desires. You will be mine soon…. Welcome to the Dark Side my young impressionable friend…
Bald Devil loves and hates you all with equal measure. Feels good doesnt it Jack?
Govstooge // January 5, 2008 at 12:17 am
Lovely stuff, I agree with it all. Especially Point 4. How about having a hacksaw to hand so that you can cut the bullbars off those fucking SUVs? Works for umbrella handles too. Bastards.
Baino // January 5, 2008 at 1:09 am
Go grumpy young man! Totally agree and with the stroller thing. Plus, no preferential parking for ‘Mothers with prams’ What the fuck! I had to hoik two screaming kids and a hi-tech stroller from the roof parking . . didn’t do me any harm! And those geriatric scootery things - not on the pavement and not in shopping centres. Old people are grumpy enough without giving them weaponry and a little orange flag! Fwo0oaaaarrr! Have a nice day.
JackMcmad // January 8, 2008 at 8:10 am
The SUVs go without saying Grannymar. A man with a red flag walking in front of them should slow them down enough for people to pelt them with rotten fruit.
Rekki, I will NOT carry an umbrella. I’d feel a hypocrite. I have perfectly good raingear that I carry everywhere with me.
BaldDevil, the lure to the dark side is very tempting, however, I will try to resist. Link your site next comment, it’s time the world knew how depraved you really are.
Govstooge, welcome. Hacksaw good, oxy-acetylene cutter better!
Yes Baino, you’re perfectly correct, that Mother/Baby parking thing has to stop!
Rekki // January 8, 2008 at 10:53 am
its self defense not hypocritical
there is no better felling then putting a hole into some old dears umbrella..
K8 the GR8 » Blog Archive » How to roll a rollie // January 8, 2008 at 5:19 pm
[...] else is there? Here is proof that everyone’s parents are mad, not just mine. Jack McMad has some excellent suggestions for improving perambulating activities around Dublin City, [...]
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