As well as generally being me this year I’m going to start a few of campaigns to put a stop to the things that annoy me.
1. As it’s looking like I’ll be commuting to Dublin for another four years, campaign number one is for Quiet Carraiges on trains. Fellow commuters, your lives are not that fucking interesting that you have to share them with a hundred other people every morning. Whether you’re on the phone or talking at your friend, it’s gotta stop! You know who you are, Balbriggan girl, Skerries Goon and Nora Batty and her sister from Rush/Lusk.
2. Speed lanes for pedestrians. People who dawdle and saunter around town get on my tits. Caught up in their own little world with no heed for anyone else, you could be walking behind someone and they just stop dead right in front of you or they walk right across your path forcing you to implement your emercency stop and avoid plan that makes you look like some sort of demented clown. Folks, if I’m out and about walking, it means I have to BE somewhere, get out of my fuckin way! A speed lane with a minimum speed of 8Km/hr is the answer.
3. Motorists that don’t stop at pedestrian lights will be shot on the spot. What the fuck is it with you people? When your RED light and my GREEN light comes on, it means it’s my fuckin turn to use the road. The crossings at Stephen’s Green/Kildare St and Kildare St/Nassau St are atrocious for motorists ignoring the lights. I have already started crossing as soon as the lights change and any motorist that doesn’t see fit to stop comes away from the encounter with a dented side panel and roof. You’ve been warned!
4. Pedestrians that wander into traffic should be fair game. Usually some doped up skanger or guy in a suit will meander out into traffic and with a wave of his hand will expect you to stop and let him cross. In 2008 I’ll be campaigning for a points system, not a penalty points system, a points system where you get points for each wanderer you mow down. More points for the doped up skanger as they waste valuble resources. At the end of the year you cash your points in and get a discount off your roadtax or car insurance.
5. Umbrellas should be banned or at the very least, the people carrying them should be charged with assault with a deadly wapon. I’m just at the right height to lose an eye or get stitches in my neck. If it’s raining, wear a raincoat you stupid fucker. If I can’t get them banned, I’m going to walk around carrying a big stick with metal spikes protruding from it. See how you like it then!
That’s about it for now, this list maybe ammended at any stage. Happy fuckin New Year to youse all!
