** Knock Knock**
‘Don’t answer it!’, Lady shouts from upstairs.
‘Whaa ?..’, sez I on me way to the door.
‘Bibles…..!’, she roars, but it’s too late, I already have my hand on the latch, turning it.
At me door are two men, one looks like Arthur Daly (hat and all) and the other is taller, looks like he’s from the Med but turns out to be English. To be honest, I had noticed them earlier congregating with others across the road from the house. I thought that they were from the development company that’s trying to push through a huge development at the back of my house trying to curry favour with the locals. I’m vehemently opposed to this development, so I had Noisemaker, loaded, cocked and standing behind the door ready for a major confrontation.
‘Hello. It’s great that you’re home,’ says Arthur.
‘Errm yeah… I’m just getting ready to go into work now, don’t have to be in until one.’ The finger tightens on the trigger.
‘We’re just in the area, passing out these, would you like to read one?’
I look down at ‘Awake’, the Jehova Witness magazine, the finger relaxes and I put Noisemaker on standby. I don’t mind religious nuts (anyone that calls to my house about religon is a religous nut, priests included) calling to my house, they’re harmless enough, plus it’s also a chance for me to convert them, it’s my duty.
‘Err… no thanks, I really don’t have a need for organized religion in me life.’
Two pairs of eyes brighten, I can see their minds tick into overdrive as they think, ‘Yes! Another soul to be saved!’
Arthur produces the Bible. I’d better get in quick.
‘Are you OK?’, I ask, ‘I mean, you look OK. What happened that made you want to get involved in this sort of thing.’
He looks confused. I continue.
‘You know, most people that have felt their ‘calling’ to their religous group have done so because of some traumatic experience at some point in their life.’
‘No, I joined because of my faith and it’s a great chance to meet new, interesting people. Now…’
‘Ahhh…’, I cut in, ‘ You felt the need to belong, to be part of something. Didn’t fit in at school?’
No reaction.
‘Recently separated? Divorced?’
Lip quiver, eyes drop. That’s it, one down! Usually it takes me a while to get the first one, it was a lucky shot. Quick as you like TanMan asks.
‘Were you raised a Catholic?’
That’s why these fuckers travel in pairs, moral support, they can bombard you from two different directions and try to fuddle you and make you believe that you’re going to hell just because you don’t eat fish on a Friday.
‘I was, but I soon saw that pile of mumbo jumbo for what it really was.’
‘Yes’, he says, ‘And with all the recent revelations about the Catholic Church, I’m not surprised. Have you ever read this?’ He points to the Bible.
‘ I don’t read fiction’, I reply.
‘But what about the central themes?’
‘The Qur’an preaches the same message, so does the Bhagavad Gita, the Tanakh and the Daozang. Which one is right because according to each, the non-believers/infidels/heathens don’t get to heaven/nirvana/jannah? That’s if there really is such a place, I mean, c’mon, it was only invented because man didn’t really want to believe that when you die, that was it, finito benito, in the ground with ye. He needed something else coz at that time he really did believe that he was the centre of the universe, the be all and end all of everything and he got smote for believing otherwise. So seeing as they’re coming up with the grand Unified Theory of Physics and everything, why can’t they come up with the Grand Unified Theory of Religion, like, keep your nose clean, don’t do any harm to anybody or anything, believe in yourself and you’ll be grand, you’ve got one shot at it, don’t mess it up by getting caught up in the technicalities of what some goon or other said a millenium or two ago and just live your life to the fullest of your ability. Hang on a sec? Where are you going? I haven’t finished. Oh ok. See ya.’
** Click **
I close the door.
‘What did they want?’, Lady asks.
‘Jehova’s Witness’, I say, ‘I told them to come back in a half an hour and you’d make them some tea after they’ve done the street. Right, I’m off to work.
‘Bastard!’
