“Nah, that’s not on Jack, you’ve broken the golden rule!”
“Ahhh fuck ‘im, he deserves it!”
Meself and Giblets are in McFools, Gorf has gone to the toilet and I’ve just pocketed his new Zippo.
“Nooo Jack, a man’s Zippo is sacred, every other type is fair game, not a Zippo.”
“Yeah well, he started it, ‘member he took mine and lost it on the bus to The Village?”
“That was fifteen years ago Jack!”
“Yeah, well I’ve WAITED THIS long for him to buy a Zippo, the cheap fucker!”
“Jeeesus, you’re not one to hold a grudge are ya, ye evil bastard!?”
“He’ll get it back; it’s only to teach him a lesson.”
“Fair nuff, I’ll say nuthin.”
Gorf is king amongst lighter thieves. He has a shoebox full on top of his fridge and after a ‘good’ night out will return to his lair with about a dozen or so new additions. He says he doesn’t do it purposely and that sub-consciously he’s a lighter klepto, but I know what his game is.
Gorf makes his way back from the toilet and after a few minutes conversation with some of the more shady characters that are sharing our table he reaches for his cigarettes.
“Where’s me lighter, Giblets?”
“Huh?”
“Me lighter…… the Zippo…… you know the rules.”
“Dunno Gorf, haven’t seen it.”
“Jack? Nah you don’t smoke anymore.”
Gorf’s attention is drawn to the shadier end of the table.
“Right!! Which one of you reprobates nicked me new fuckin Zippo?!”
Deed done, I finish up me pint and decide to head home. I leave Gorf arguing over how it’s dishonourable to steal a man’s Zippo. I give Giblets a sly grin and head out the door.
He will get it back, after he’s stewed for a while though.
9 responses so far ↓
EmptyHead // November 26, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Ohhhh…… I’m tellin
K8 // November 26, 2007 at 3:43 pm
They never mention this when they harp on about the dangers of smoking, do they? Being caught robbing lighters can be very hazardous to one’s health. I know. I live with a lighter klepto.
Giblets is probably right. Sometimes it takes tough love to cure a klepto.
JackMcMad // November 26, 2007 at 5:22 pm
E.H: Don’t you dare or meself and Noisemaker will pay you a little visit!
k8: Yeah, If this doesn’t work I’ll be reverting to more drastic methods. The ole cut the left hand off for thieving to be precise.
EmptyHead // November 26, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Noisemaker me hole Jack! The way you shoot I wouldn’t even have to dodge the shot.
JackMcMad // November 26, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Right!! On me way!!
Baino // November 26, 2007 at 7:29 pm
My sister in law is a lighter clepto and for her 40th received all the lighters she’d stolen over the past couple of years (someone had the balls to retrieve them from her many handbags and secret hiding places) neatly packaged as a 40th present. I found a few of mine among the collection! I used to mark them with indelible pen to prove the point. It’s an impossible habit to break. She still does it. Although Gorf has a point . . Zippos are sacrosanct.
JackMcMad // November 26, 2007 at 7:48 pm
That’s not actually a bad idea. I might give it back to him as a Christmas pressie although I was going to wait until we were recording the podcast.
JC Skinner // November 28, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Lighters are sentient. We are merely their transport infrastructure.
JackMcMad // November 28, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Heh heh heh. Excellent JC!